Want to be less stressed?Accept the bad days, too and stop beating yourself up
Ready to gain a secret to reducing your daily stress levels?
This powerful and ancient secret is actually quite simple, just as the best truths usually are.
This secret to reducing daily stress, as the title alludes to, is:
To accept the cyclical nature of life, without creating mental resistance to it.
The cyclical nature of life refers to the eternal dichotomies throughout the universe. It can be expressed in innumerable different spectrums, such as what goes up eventually comes down, what is hot ultimately becomes cold, or what is seen as “good” will ultimately be recognized as “bad.”
The evidence of the eternal cyclical nature of life is all around us, too, all throughout history. Assembled stars eventually decay into black holes or explode into supernovas, which give rise to new stars. The most powerful civilizations eventually die, decay, or contract, leaving space for new civilizations to expand. Every living thing eventually dies and decays into the world, and new living things are constantly born. Both your joyful and upset feelings have a shelf life, just as eventually the sun is uncovered again from behind the clouds.
The way the cyclical nature of life factors into creating your stress has to do with your mental reactions to how you feel, day in, day out. On some days, you - or rather your Ego Mind - will feel fantastic and congratulate yourself for being witty, talented, or popular. On some days, you will feel awful and that’s when your Ego Mind will mentally beat yourself up, telling you that you’re worthless, good-for-nothing, or a loser. We can’t help but have emotional reactions, but we can help our subsequent thought-based reactions to those emotions. So, the secret to reducing your life stress is simply to accept this universal truth of the cycles of life, and to not beat yourself up when you are having a bad day.
When we are feeling off, down, or bad, our immediate desire is to reject those feelings and look for a way to instantly feel better, upbeat, or good; that is, to mentally resist the natural cycles of life. However, it is of vital importance to contemplate the reasons to continue giving into this knee-jerk reaction from a level that is closer to your inner self and deeper than your Ego Mind. The Ego Mind’s habit is to constantly whip us onward without pausing to reflect, like a jockey on a racehorse. This desire to immediately flip the natural, cyclical script of life upside down is the exact cause of your stress, and inherent in your having a reaction to it is the fact that it has already happened! You already feel off, down, or bad, so trying to get rid of what is already happening to you is impossible. The only thing you can do is mentally resist feeling off, down, or bad, and think negative thoughts about your not feeling “yourself,” “normal,” or “okay.” This initial mental resistance to feeling down and the subsequent act of mentally beating yourself up is what expands and locks in additional stress in your mind and body. This happens because you are actually using mental energy to produce new stress, thoughts, anxiety, and frustrations. That’s energy that could be used to allow those initial off or down feelings to be processed and then dissipate. Rejecting those initial feelings that already exist converts energy into negativity, as does developing new feelings of guilt, shame, or anxiety on top, which together actually double the amount of negative energy that is present in your mind and body, which makes the negativity or stress even more difficult to get rid of.
We beat ourselves up because our Ego Minds crave an impossible vision of self (read: only “good,” which is unnatural) and make us actually believe that we should never feel off, down, or bad, and that we actually can fight negative feelings with more negative feelings. But as the saying goes: you can’t fight fire with fire. Additionally, because society mostly takes its cues from the collective Ego Mind, society doesn’t do you any favors in dispelling this misconception.
Not only does your Ego Mind consume your precious energy in order to add more negativity on top of your natural, cyclical feelings, but your Ego Mind also has the audacity to try to consume even more energy by trying to convince you that you need to do something to escape all the negative energy that it helped produce! The Ego Mind digs its heels into your side and spurs you into action, urging you to be more gregarious when you may not feel up for being so social, make plans when you’d rather just relax, work harder when your mind is foggy, or just keep thinking negative thoughts about yourself up under the ridiculous assumption that the beating you give yourself will fix your issue.
The best thing for you to dissipate that negative energy is to stop resisting and running from it, and to not get down on yourself up for taking a rain check or chill social day, going for a walk in the park, meditating, or playing or listening to some music.
So, once more: step one of the secret to being less stressed is to simply accept the fact that you are having an off or bad day, without creating more resistance or beating yourself up about that fact. Accepting doesn’t mean you will always feel down, either. It just means that you don’t engage in fighting what is an impossible battle or overcommitting yourself to actions that will make you actually feel more dissonant or worse, until the cycle shifts and you are feeling better again. For many people, simply allowing themselves to have an occasional off day or a bad day without mentally beating themselves up may be enough in and of itself to soon set them right as the negativity and stress fade away as the day goes on.
It is important, though, to not expect off or bad days to never reappear, even if you have learned this secret practice to dispelling them by accepting them. Again, remember that the nature of life is cyclical, and be aware that having an “occasional” off or bad day is a dynamic measure, so occasional may be more or less frequent, depending on what’s going on in your life. Occasionally having an off or bad day may sometimes mean two such days a week, and at others only one such day or even just one such morning/afternoon/evening every couple of weeks.
For those of us for whom step one is not enough or who cannot help but add negative internal pressure or resistance, it will take a dose more courage to successfully reduce your stress, anxiety, or depression.
Step two does involve doing something that can actively help you dispel the negativity or stress that is causing you to feel off or bad. Step one is a non-skippable prerequisite for step two, though, that will need to be completed before any of these beneficial actions will be granted enough space in your mind to produce meaningful and sustainable results.
Step two is more involved and begins with becoming curious about whatever underlies the off or down feeling if it exists for more than a day or two. This can be intimidating, as it requires you to not run away from what you may discover, and to let whatever comes up be as it is, so that you can face it, listen to it, and learn from it. The more you have run away or distracted yourself from these uncomfortable feelings or thoughts, and the more cumulative pain that is involved, the harder this will be; however, if you can become open to this, you will have set off on the path to dissipating the negativity or stress that you have been holding onto and which manifests itself as an occasional or prolonged off or down phase.
Step two may involve using any one or a combination of the following actions - or rather, tools - to process these negative thoughts or emotions that have to-date resisted naturally dissolving. Because life is cyclical, neither feeling down or bad forever is also not a natural state of mind.
Spending more time in nature - this is a very easy one to do as it can be as simple as going for a walk in a park. Spending time in nature can be incredibly healing and relaxing, which can give you the mental space to feel comfortable looking a little deeper than you normally would.
Traveling or changing your physical surroundings - getting outside of your normal routines and environment can be a great way to make some space, too, in the routine habits of beating yourself up. Familiar scenes, smells, sounds, and other sensations can act almost as sponges for our mental thoughts and emotions that arose during all the times we interacted with these objects, and we squeeze back out what we put into them before as we interact with them again and again. While this may be great for soaking positive memories into our surroundings, it can be very detrimental on the negative side. Additionally, because our minds habituate to what is familiar to us, engaging in your normal routines leaves more mental space for our Ego Mind to fill with its own cravings or frustrations. Going somewhere new is like a reset where more of your mind is filled with new sensations rather than stale Ego Mind repetitions, which gives the inner you beneath the Ego Mind more of a chance to interject with more clear and conscious insights.
Writing things down or journaling - writing things down can really help you to process whatever thoughts or feelings you are resisting, evading, or struggling with by pulling those things out of your head and into a form where you can more easily observe them without being overwhelmed. Writing your thoughts or feelings down creates space in your mind by giving you something to focus on (writing), and also by honoring the existence of those thoughts or feelings, which can reduce the obsessive way they can tend to resurface in mind again and again, demanding that you pay attention to them. Put another way, the thoughts or feelings that resurface over and over are asking for you to honor the fact that they exist. Honoring thoughts or feelings does not mean believing in or identifying with them. It only means honoring the fact that they do exist, rather than rejecting their existence. While your thoughts or feelings are not the inner you, they are still a part of the totality of you, and so rejecting them is tantamount to rejecting a part of yourself. Once you have honoring a thought or feeling’s existence, you disarm their obsessive trigger to be acknowledged and can then decide what to do next, whether that is letting them dissipate, contemplating them further, or taking partial or full action on the message they carry.
Changing your sleep, exercise, diet, and what you watch/read/listen to - your ability to look inside and resolve deeper-seated negativity or stress will be drastically reduced if you are not taking care of your body and mind. Healthy bodily practices go a long way in affecting your mental state and openness. It is also important to note that what you take in from an intangible perspective - what shows you watch, what news you read, what discussions you listen to - will also affect your mentality. If you are constantly consuming things that make you afraid, then it will be extremely difficult not to become afraid yourself.
Meditation, especially involving an opening of visualization, mantra or affirmation repetition, soundwork, or breathwork - meditation has been used for thousands of years to process and release negativity or stress, strengthen mental resilience, and cultivate inspiration or insight. To this day, meditation is still one of the most powerful tools that you can use to alleviate the causes of stress. Meditation is a useful tool that can create space wherein whatever your Ego Mind is telling you to run away from can come to the surface for reflection. If meditating by itself is difficult for you, then try opening up your meditation with breathwork (pranayama), soundwork, mantras, or a visualization.
Yoga, stretching or some other movement-based, but meditative exercise - yin-style yoga, walking meditation, or other movement practices like Tai Chi can be excellent doorways into more contemplative states of mind, where you can slow down and create precious space between your constant discursive thoughts, and explore the deeper realms of mind which can hold tightly onto negativity or stress. These exercises contrast with higher intensity exercises like running, weight training, and bicycling, which can make it more difficult to do a mental deep dive because they consume more energy and focus to maintain. However, many people do experience a zen state of mind from fitness exercises, and if you find that this applies to you, then more power to you! Just remember to use that opportunity as part of your step two process of investigating the underlying causes of your sadness, fear, anger, or stress.
Some form of therapy, such as psychotherapy, logotherapy, holistic therapy, trauma therapy, or cognitive behavioral therapy - if trying to use the above tools isn’t working and you are still unable to accept your bad days, or your bad days are still prolonged and troubling, then it may be time to seek therapy. This can especially be a good idea if trauma is involved as a major source of your negativity or stress. Fortunately, the stigma around therapy has gradually diminished as more people have realized how extremely helpful therapy can be, but for many people, a stigma around the idea of trying therapy may still exist. Let me assure you that you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you if you choose to make use of therapy. In fact, admitting that it’s time to explore therapeutic help can be one of the most beneficial and mature decisions of your life. So if you’re still struggling, keep working on the above actions, and also give therapy a try, with an open mind.
Psychiatric assistance - (please note first of all that I have no training in psychiatry). From my opinion, if you are chronically or deeply struggling with the bad days, then you may be suffering from an affliction that is caused by a psychosis, a physiological breakdown, or even a hereditary issue. In this case, psychiatric assistance may be a valuable or even an essential tool in your ability to reduce your negativity or stress in your everyday life. Even if you fall into this camp, let me assure you that you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you if you choose to make use of psychiatric assistance. An estimated 16 to 40 million Americans suffer from depression, and there are many other afflictions that a great many more Americans and indeed people around the world suffer from. It is important though to explore alternatives before moving to this action, and to continue to do so in conjunction with this action.
Finally, you might also be able to dissolve the negativity or stress your Ego Mind is trying to make you avoid by talking with friends or family; but beware of the ways in which the Ego Mind can allow negativity or stress can creep back in and make a home in your mind again, which will prolong your down or off phase. This can happen for example if your conversations take on a compulsive nature in complaining, criticizing yourself or others, comparing yourself to others, or many other Ego mental traps.
Stay tuned for more musings on how to reduce stress or anxiety and how to live mindfully in modern society, and in doing so discover and resonate more happiness, love, peace, energy, and meaning.