Cognitive Reframing Examples: Reframing Negative Thoughts
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When we are stressed, in pain, anxious, scared, angry, we can easily fall prey to the habit of framing what happens to us in life in a negative, worsening-case outlook. If not interrupted, this negative framing can spark a negative feedback loop that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more negatively we see things, the more we believe our world is negative; in this cycle, we can unconsciously find ourselves slipping more and more into negative thinking, which not only drains our own energy, but those of people around us, which can lead to isolation and withdrawal, and an acceleration of the negative, downward mental spiral.
Cognitive reframing (which is a part of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy [CBT] toolkit) is a very powerful and easy-to-learn tool that we can enable us to interrupt a negative thought feedback loop.
Cognitive reframing is the act of consciously changing the way we automatically perceive events or situations as negative. Practicing cognitive reframing doesn’t mean we have to invent or make up positive facts that aren’t actually present, but rather to open up our perspective by:
Focusing on the facts at hand
Refraining from obsessing about worst-case scenarios and discounting how we cannot predict the future
Realizing when we are drawing conclusions or filling in the blanks for facts we don’t have or can’t confirm
Generally being more conscious (here and now thinking, rather than mentally residing in the past or future)
The steps in cognitive reframing include:
1. Become aware of an automatic, negative thought
Negative thoughts are most powerful when they are unconscious, because this is when identify with them. If we identify with a negative thought, then there is no way to create space or distance from it, which is what can pull us into a negative, downward spiral. When thoughts remain unconscious, we believe they are 100% true, even if there is no fact or logic behind them. Until we wake up and consciously evaluate them, they will continue harming us without resistance.
By becoming aware of our negative thoughts as they are happening, we de-identify from them. This creates a very powerful space where we are granted the chance to take more control over our mental wellbeing. When we are no longer unconsciously guided by our negative thoughts, we can change – or reframe the thought and have more control over our future thoughts and behavior.
2. Once we are aware of an automatic, negative thought, explore it
When we have identified the negative thought, we are now able to dig it up and see its full form: where it’s coming from, what else is related to it, whether we actually believe it, and why the negative thought is important to us. Shed light on the unconscious context, sort out fact from fiction, and move past an emotional belief or an emotionally-driven rationalization, to a conscious and logical evaluation.
This step is best done by talking someone else through your negative thought pattern (not only thinking about it, or even journaling about it). This helps us to dig up more of the context for why the thought is present, and what purpose it is trying to serve, albeit in a twisted manner. Talking through our thoughts can also help us realize how subversive or harmful our negative thought patterns can be, which builds our confidence and motivation to reframe them.
3. Examine the cost or harm of the negative thought
While step 1 is the key to beginning the reframing process, step 2 is the point of epiphany or the “aha” moment, step 3 is where the “escape velocity” and future resiliency is established. By analyzing the damage done – historically or to our future wellbeing, we uncover the uncomfortable truth, and expose the negative thought as not only annoying, but actually harmful. This is what engages our deeper conviction to change.
Without assessing what damage the negative thought has done, we may not be fully convinced that the thought needs to be changed; and if we don’t commit to some kind of deep, motivated change, the negative thought may return later or in a slightly altered form, and we will again be caught in an unconscious, negative feedback loop.
4. Look for the fact-based, intelligent reframing opportunity in the situation
At step 4, we are now ready to change the narrative and complete our cognitive reframing and break free of the negative feedback cycle. In step 4 we tap into the space that we created by de-identifying from and evaluating the negative thought, and draw on the commitment to change the negative thought we had. By coming up with a new, reframed narrative, we actually start changing our future perception and actions.
What does reframing negative thoughts look like?
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Examples of negative thoughts, reframed
Negative thought #1: I think that my boss hates me and I’ll never be promoted.
Step 1: What is my negative thought?
I think that my boss hates me and I’ll never be promoted.
Step 2: What do I know? What do I not know? What do I feel? Why is this thought important / what purpose does it serve?
I don’t know for a fact that my boss hates me, but I have assumed so because I haven’t been promoted while my colleagues have. I feel that we don’t have a good relationship, but I don’t know why. I am frustrated and confused. I feel pressure and want this promotion because I’ve worked hard for a long time and am feeling stagnant in my career.
This negative thought is important because I’m hurt and want to be more recognized and fulfilled.
Step 3: What is the cost of maintaining the negative thought?
The cost is that I have become disengaged, which might make my boss like me even less. I have avoided my boss more, which might be making it harder to build a better relationship. I do not feel valued or valuable at work, which is making me feel even less like engaging in the future.
Step 4: What is the reframing opportunity?
I need to better understand whether there is a problem in my work situation that I can resolve, or whether I should explore other career opportunities. I’ll prepare to have a conversation with my boss to understand how he/she feels about my contributions and development here; however, before then will talk through my situation and approach with a couple mentors/friends. I’ll reflect on where I am in my career and where I want to go next. I’ll think start exploring whether there are other roles/teams internally that I could apply for, or jobs at other companies that I would want to do.
Negative thought #2: I’m a failure at dating. I’ll be alone forever.
Step 1: What is my negative thought?
I’m a failure at dating. I’ll be alone forever.
Step 2: What do I know? What do I not know? What do I feel? Why is this thought important / what purpose does it serve?
I know I haven’t been in a relationship longer than a year in a very long time. I know that out of dozens of dates, most end after 1 date, and I have only made it to a fifth date twice, and then both people disappeared. I feel terrible about my datability: like I’m broken, unlovable, unwanted, boring, and a failure.
This negative thought is important because it shows me how much I want to love, and be loved.
Step 3: What is the cost of maintaining the negative thought?
The cost is that I have become discouraged and as a result am bringing less and less of my authentic self to my dates. I have shifted to trying to be someone who I think people want to date, which is uncomfortable, difficult, and exhausting. This makes me feel even worse about my hope for love, and I feel fake and like if being a “fake me” does actually work, then I will be even more screwed, because then I will have the pressure of maintaining this fake self, or else be found out as fake and lose what progress I had gained.
Step 4: What is the reframing opportunity?
I want to learn how to be comfortable being me. I also need to understand how I can meet people who are more my style, and in a context that feels better for me than dating apps. I’ll go to more meetups, ask friends if they know anyone I could meet, and explore blind date or other in-person options. I’ll also explore myself more and figure out what is both authentically me, but also a growth area that I haven’t brought to my dates, but could start to.
That’s all for today – thanks for reading! Learn more about how working with a personal development coach can help you to live a more fulfilling life, sign up for my newsletter, and stay tuned for more self-discovery essays!