What has this moment come to teach us?

Have you found yourself embroiled in thoughts about the past or future, roiling in stress that arises from feeling everything from simple disappointment, to bitter resent, to anxiety, to full rage or depression. If you do, then rest assured: saying yes is almost like confirmed that you have a pulse; being embroiled in thoughts of the past or future happens to all of us. Yet, it is in these moments, where our thoughts assemble and erect a barrier of mental resistance against something that has happened to us in life, which prevents us from accepting whatever that thing is and being able to move on with life.

The following is a precious and mindful question that we should all make a habit of asking ourselves, especially in these moments of resistance and stress:

“What has this moment come to teach?”

The reality is that every single moment of our lives is a gift from the universe that can reveal for us more of the peace, joy, or beauty that constantly surrounds us in that which we call “life.” However, most of us strain day in and day out under the weight of our egos, which obscure the beauty of life from us.

Our egos persistently label the passing moments of our lives as “good” and “bad.”  Our egos then either attempt to obsess over “good” moments and resist “bad” moments. Instead of keeping our eyes on the present moment, we are led by our egos to veer off and become lost in thought related to the past or future, where we are unable to unwrap the gift that the present moment bears for us.

Even in the moments that the ego confidently label as “bad” exist incredible teachings and silver lining-sewn gifts.

If you don’t believe me, then believe Mahatma Gandhi, Tara Brach, Nelson Mandela, anyone who has gone through the Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Step Program, people who have benefited from therapy, religion or spirituality, and innumerable others who have borne witnesses to this fact throughout history.

Once we have opened the intention to see a particular moment as bearing a gift or as a teacher, the next question is:

“What can be learned from this moment?”

What does it mean to accept the gift of the present moment or to learn what a moment has come to teach us?

Life is infinitely varied and wonderful, and so there are an endless number of examples of lessons carried in different moments, but to help illustrate the idea, let’s consider the following three hypothetical situations:

Let’s say that you have an upcoming presentation for work. You are incredibly stressed and increase your stress levels every time you imagine the audience. Your mouth goes dry, your heartbeat spikes, and you lose track of what’s happening around you in this train of thought. Your anxiety has been elevated for days or weeks on end and thoughts of the presentation lurk constantly in the back of your mind, ready to pounce on you at the slightest provocation. 

As you sit down for lunch and pick up your sandwich for a moment’s respite from your normal work, the presentation thoughts spring and your anxiety crowds out the world again. This time, you think about which parts of it you are most nervous about, wonder whether you will be able to handle the audience’s questions, wonder whether the presentation is even any good at all, and ruminate about what messing the presentation up would mean for your entire career. 

The refrain underlying your stress says “I’m worried this presentation will expose how I’m not good enough at my job.” Subconsciously, you wonder whether this presentation is a litmus test of whether you’re good enough at anything at all.

Or perhaps you were working hard interviewing and trying to get a dream job that you really, really wanted, but in the end you didn’t make the cut. You’ve just received an email from the company, and on reading the first line of the email your heart sank. The letter curtly informs you that the company has decided to extend an offer to another candidate. You feel hurt, sad, dejected, and like a failure. 

The refrain underlying your stress says “I knew it - I wasn’t good enough. I missed my chance and it’s all downhill from here.” Subconsciously, you wonder whether this is more proof that you’re no good at anything and therefore don’t deserve to be happy in life.

Or maybe a long-term relationship you were clinging to just disintegrated. You’ve been dumped and you’re on your own again. You’re likely feeling confused or upset and simultaneously as though you’ve lost something important to you, yet also like you’ve wasted your time investing into it. In this moment, you are probably feeling some combination of sadness, frustration, bitterness, and anger.

The refrain underlying your stress says “Who does he/she think he/she is? How could he/she break up with me?” Or “I really loved he/she, but I guess he/she didn’t love me back.” And “I feel rejected. This really sucks.” Subconsciously, you wonder whether this is conclusive proof that you are doomed to spend your life alone, because apparently nobody else can stand you and you are therefore unlovable.

What theme do all of these example scenarios have in common?

The common theme is that in each situation the person feels stressed about what’s happening in their present because of how it compares to their concept of self, and what this idea of “self’ either had or wanted in the past, or might have in the future. These feelings lead to the doubting of your entire self-esteem; your perceived existence. 

This all comes from the workings of the ego, and again - allowing yourself to be led into feeding these thoughts and brooding on the past or future is what precludes us from learning to accept and live in the present. The ego lays the trap of self-perpetuating mental loops and we step into the snare when we resist the present moment. We find ourselves ensnared with hardly a way out when we hear the voice of the ego admonishing us for having allowed a “bad” moment to happen to our “self,” or failed to reach a “good” moment that our self craved.

Even though the outside world may have not gone pleasantly, it’s the inside world - that one in our heads - that goes downright terribly. After all, the outside world always and simply is as it is - there’s nothing but fact out there. The label of “good” or “bad,” the depression about the past and the anxiety about the future comes from within the mind; from both the collective/societal ego, as well as the individual ego. 

Any one of the above moments represents just one more event in a stream of events that will continue to happen in our lives in the outside world; but on the inside they each represent a perceived diminishment or threatened diminishment of our concept of self. This makes us feel terrible, and as a result, we are driven to simultaneously obsess about the feeling of being diminished as well as how we can escape from that feeling of diminishment, of which nothing sustainably “good” comes.

So what would we see if we looked beyond ego eyes? What might the teachings of each above situation actually offer?

If your upcoming presentation sends you into fits of anxiety every time you think about it, then the teaching may be to realize that there’s no such thing as perfect. Prepare and try your best, but then stand back and accept what happens. No matter how hard you try, you won’t be able to make every single task a smashing success at work. There’s no helping that sometimes both you and others will feel disappointed in your performance. It’s great to learn as we go and try to minimize those times, but it’s futile to try to totally prevent those times. If you hold so tightly onto every task that comes your way as well as the job as a whole, then you hand out the power to make or break your happiness and peace of mind every single day you go to work. Every conversation and every request holds the power to inject a fresh batch of anxiety into your life. If you can accept that all you have to do is your best, and that sometimes things will not go as you hope, you can reduce the number of times you spin out into a “I’m no good” mindset. With more mental bandwidth, you might find a gift hiding in the “bad,” such as enjoying your life outside of work more or a realization that your relationships were suffering alongside your work-obsession.

If you didn’t land your dream job and feel an agonizing diminishment and a hopelessness about the future, then the teaching may be to realize that a job or career is only one aspect of your life and should not be where you try to derive your entire life’s fulfillment from. You won’t be able to control what happens to that job, so if you hold so tightly onto that job, then you give an inherently unstable thing the power to make or break your life fulfillment, and thus set yourself up for a life of pain. If you can accept that this job wasn’t the one for you and avoid miring yourself in the miserable “I blew it” past, then you might find a gift hiding in the “bad,” such as a new job that you like even more.

If you lost a long-term relationship and your frustration depresses you and sends you to the past to analyze what went wrong, then the teaching may be to realize that the nature of relationships is that they don’t always work out, and that it is also unrealistic to expect that being with someone else will “complete you” or “make you whole.” People are fallible, including ourselves, and the act of completing or making you whole means the other person would have to be a perfect shape that can dynamically fit the constantly changing half of you every single second, which is needless to say impossible. You won’t be able to control what another person does or thinks, so if you hold so tightly onto the hope of a person completing you, then you give a thing that changes over time the power to make or break your life fulfillment, and thus set yourself up for a life of pain. If you can accept that a relationship with this person wasn’t meant to be and avoid miring yourself in the miserable “why didn’t it work out?” past, then you might find a gift in meeting a person that you connect with on a deeper level, or you might decide to be single for a little while to find more acceptance and wholeness in yourself, which will help your next relationship.

What’s the common theme in these teachings?

Practically speaking, it’s important not to pack all of your self esteem into one aspect of your life. You cannot ultimately control what happens in life, and sooner or later something “bad” will happen to that thing, which will send you down in flames if you’re too attached to that one thing. 

Metaphysically speaking, we can’t control the world and what happens to us as we navigate it, but we can control how we perceive and react to what happens. If you can learn to not beat yourself up about what you can’t control and learn to just accept what happens rather than obsessing over the past or future, then you can deal with anything. Life will go on, no matter what happens. If we can accept that life will still go on no matter what happens, then we don’t have to feel as diminished by what happens to us. There’s also always something “good” that is connected to what we perceive as “bad,” such as prioritizing people over a job or walking back from the vain expectation that the love of someone else will make us totally and forever happy.

Stay tuned for more musings on how to reduce stress or anxiety and how to live mindfully in modern society, and in doing so discover and resonate more happiness, love, peace, energy, and meaning.